When I was a little girl I wasn't afraid of anything. I would run down the sidewalk at full speed, literally fall flat on my face, get up and keep running. I tackle some aspects of life that way still, but as I got older, so much of that bravery faded.
I blame a lot of it on society though it's my fault as well. As hormones began to rage, looking and acting a certain way became important, and dancing like nobody was looking was frowned upon. I held my head high, but became a lot more scared to take those risks I had always been so keen to on. I became clinically depressed. I would lock myself off from the world at times and just sleep my life away.
I lost that spark in my eye, that "go get'em" attitude and why? Just so I would fit the mold that I thought I was supposed to. I was afraid of looking 'wrong', acting 'wrong', saying the 'wrong' thing and so I closed myself off in a little bubble- a safety zone if you will- and cautiously rolled down the worn path. I could see the untouched ground, the meadow of opportunity, the blank canvas of life, but I still rolled in that rut.
I'm incredibly disappointed to say that rut has only grown deeper as I've gotten older. As the years have sped by, I've only become more terrified of change. Don't get me wrong, I've had one hell of a time in that rut. I've met amazing people and done amazing things -right and wrong- that have definitely shaped a lot of who I am, and a lot of what I'm proud of, but I know there is more.
I'm going to be 30 this year. Bleh! That leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. Thirty! Where has the last 10 years gone? I can easily recall the fun I've had, and wouldn't change that but I'm left wondering where I go from here. I can't stay in this stagnant life. I physically ache for more. I know I'm meant for and capable of so much more and even more important... who the hell am I?
What makes me happy? What is my inspiration? What is my deepest desire? I don't think I can 100% answer those because I don't fully know myself yet.